Oh my God. I haven’t written anything of substance on the Stank Nugget in so damn long. I have so much to BLOG about! I’ve been suffering from something WebMD refers to as “Blogging Blue-Balls,” or triple B syndrome.
Ok, there’s no name for it, but I’ve been keeping my thoughts pent up instead of airing them all over the internet for the public (for Thor and Nathalie) to read. And it’s time to get some shit out. So here we go.
This is supposed to be an innuendo, but it's also foreshadowing for a later post. Yeah, homies, all my entendres be double.
I think this blog may once have involved talking about our lives, and I haven’t mentioned my life since I had my wisdom teeth out. I guess since then, I’ve worked on a lot of plays, we did Radiothon, and I started eating a lot of ramen. That’s basically all I can think of. Let’s talk ramen flavors.
I hear creamy chicken is off the chain, but I’ve never had any. Somebody hook me up. In my personal experience, my second favorite is Picanté Beef, which is both spicy and beefy. Mmmm. But number one has to go to Oriental. My friend Matt Dealy, who disagrees, once asked me rhetorically, “Oriental flavor? It’s not beef, it’s not chicken, what is it? It’s a mystery flavor.” And I told him, “Matt, that’s the appeal – the mysteries of the Orient, that dark and unfathomable land of the rising Sun.” It’s like the British empire in a delicious meal that takes three minutes to make and costs literally 20 cents when you buy it in bulk. Here’s a picture of me eating ramen while wearing a bathrobe, which is basically what my life is like. Ok, my life is almost never like this, but if it were, I’d never ask for anything else.
That's my friend Ed, aka the motherfucker who hasn't squeezed out a single blog post since foundation.
Man, I’m hungry right now just thinking about ramen. You may be thinking, “He means, he was hungry when he wrote it, but I guess he probably isn’t hungry right now.” Well, guess again, dick-nozzle. I’m hungry all the time. So the joke’s on you. And… sort of on me.
So fall quarter was kind of a bitch but that shit’s behind me now. My break was a fascinating mix of extremely busy and extremely unproductive. Like, I never had time to do real important shit, but I accomplished a lot of virtual shit. Todd and I got an X-Box 360, and it was, like, two days before we aced Modern Warfare 2 and Batman: Arkham Asylum. Were they both sick as hell? No. JUST KIDDING, YES, THEY WERE FUCKING AWESOME! Games are now like movies. Good movies. Get the memo, motherfucker.
You ever earn the nickname "Ghost," you pat yourself on the back.
While my parents were wondering if I was still alive or if I had starved to death in the basement, I also watched a lot of movies. All right, this blog post is already rambling like a mofo, let’s do some lists. If you don’t want these movies spoiled, don’t fucking read what I write.
Three Profoundly Upsetting Movies
3. Mystic River – Clint Eastwood fuckin’ delivers with this terrific movie about people in Boston whose lives suck. Netflix says “Tragedy reunites childhood friends Sean, David and Jimmy,” which sounds like, maybe, an uplifting buddy movie. What it doesn’t say is that once they’re reunited, everything goes to shit. Kevin Bacon is a detective who could avoid further tragedy by solving a murder, but he can’t figure it out. Sean Penn loses his daughter and goes on a nutso warpath to murder her killer. Tim Robbins got raped as a kid and now he thinks he’s a werewolf or something. Crzazy shit.
2. Brazil – As I described it to Amelia the other day, Brazil is basically about a future where everything you hate about modern culture is way worse. Big cities are more heartless, the government is more invasive, corporate culture is more predatory, physical appearance is more important, individualism is discouraged. It’s funny at times, and beautiful at times, and in the end protagonist Sam Lowry actually manages to overcome the system and settle down in the country with his love interest. But oops, it’s just a hallucination as he is tortured into a catatonic stupor. This movie leaves me empty.
1. Requiem for a Dream – Though I purposely left all his other movies off the list, posterity demands I acknowledge Darren Aronofsky as the most upsetting filmmaker of all time. Upsetting is, like, his genre. But in that regard they all pale, as do all movies, in comparison to Requiem for a Dream, which I can almost guarantee will make you want to die. So four people have lives that are kinda distasteful, right? And they all think, “Hey, with a little initiative I can turn my life around and improve my lot.” So they try. AND THEN THEIR LIVES BECOME UNTHINKABLY SHITTY. AND THEN THEY GET WAY SHITTIER. AND THEN THEY HIT ROCK BOTTOM. AND THINGS COULDN’T POSSIBLY GET WORSE. AND THEN THEY TOTALLY DO. That’s basically what it’s like. If you can avoid killing yourself, it might be a good idea to pop in one of
Three Profoundly Uplifting Movies
3. The Shawshank Redemption – What makes this movie so good is that it spends a long time disguised as a pretty upsetting movie. Tim Robbins is accused of murdering his wife, sent to a prison to rot, get raped, have his friends die, etc. But if you walk out of the movie and you’re not feeling like you want to go hug your buddies or build a boat or something, I dunno, you musta fallen asleep. It’s the ultimate motivational movie. Even if times are shitty, if you put your mind to it you can basically do anything. Like, anything. If you get sent to prison on a double homicide, don’t lose hope! You could’ve been in Requiem! You’re fuckin’ lucky!
2. The Fisher King – As a note, this is what got me started on doing this list, ’cause I watched this movie for the first time last week. Another note, two Terry Gilliam films slide in as the second most depressing and second most inspiring movies I can think of. Woot. So this one’s another rough start. Jeff Bridges (who rocks) is a soulless, rich 90s douchebag, who is indirectly responsible for the murder of eight people, falls from grace, and becomes an alcoholic, poor 90s douchebag. So he goes to off himself in the Hudson river when he is saved by Robin Williams as a homeless nut-case who thinks he’s a grail knight. Craziness ensues. Shit looks bleak. Things end so fucking happily I can’t take it. The cast is incredible. Gilliam is incredible. Check it out.
1. It’s a Wonderful Life – I mean, look, even the title is cheery and optimistic. This movie is so cheesy and so predictable and should be so outdated and I totally love it and I don’t care who knows it. Obviously. ‘Cause I’m writing it on the internet. Jimmy Stewart is a G, Lionel Barrymore is a perfect villain, it’s a movie where everything you want to happen happens. Well, everything you want to happen while you’re watching it with your grandma. If it was just me, I would want more ninjas to happen. But I still gotta give it up. Yay happy movie.
It's a Wonderfully Shitty Life
I feel guilty about putting those two images together. Like… if Jimmy Stewart knew, he’d be shaking his head in disappointment.
I don’t know that I can stomach the disapproval of Jimmy-Stewart-in-my-head, so I’m going to abruptly cut this post off earlier than I intended to, and think about what misogynistic shit I’m going to write tomorrow.
Jimmy Stewart, don’t look any further. You wholesome motherfucker, you.
It's a Wonderful Life
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